Thursday, September 20, 2007

Contradictions

I'm feeling all weird today. All these contradictory emotions. So I'm writing them down (because as much as I am aware of my audience...sometimes this can be just a journal, right?)



#1--I'm kind of not excited about my cruise. It's so much work getting ready and it's a little scary getting totally out of your comfort zone and it's a long time to be away from my kids. How do I explain to a 2 year old that we're leaving but we'll be back? I just picture him so confused as to where his mom went. It's upsetting. Luckily I remember that I've done big trips before (Latvia, Argentina) and we were in heaven the whole time.

and yet...I did get excited when I picked up 3 new books from the library! I have that giddy, excitement in your throat feeling about actually having time to read, all of them, while basking in the sun. And there better be a lot of sun.



#2 I went to the temple today and, nothing big happened--I just love that feeling you get as you finish the rush into the dressing room and you're all dressed and waiting for your name and you just know you're right where you should be. It's just a whole lot of peaceful. And I know, even though nothing revelatory happened for me there, that I really am just a little bit better (in a real, lasting way) when I leave, because I was obedient and I believe that Heavenly Father keeps His promises.

and yet, why are the sisters always so much more on top of you about every thing you do and say in the temple then the men? Ryan always laughs when I tell him that, because he says the brethren in the temple never pay attention to anything. So fully typical of the female/male thing, huh?



#3 I really want to lose a pound at my self-imposed weigh-in tomorrow. Just to have the nice round weight loss number of 10 lbs.

and yet it all ends (diet wise) in a day anyway, so why not have some chocolate no-bakes right now (while I start the new season of Survivor)? Really, I can't think of a compelling reason.


#4 And I really should finish cleaning the house.
and yet, I want to finish my book so I don't have to take it with me and waste book space.
and yet, I want to blog (see what won?)
and yet, I want to watch Survivor
and yet, I want to sleep.

I hate not doing any of these things tonight, but I probably will have to admit defeat.

#5 Probably because I'm leaving them (the kiddos), I am just so aware today of how fast it all goes, and how you can't get it back and how you never fully get how great this part of life is. I have the (really) best children around. Just so good and hard-working and kind and funny. I don't think I deserve them.

--And I don't really have a contradiction about that. They are all sleeping and cute and I just really like them today.

(Maybe entertaining Jessica will return tomorrow...but maybe it'll just be overloaded Jessica who shouldn't post but will anyway.)

23 comments:

Paige said...

Yay Yay Yay! So excited for your cruise! It's so hard getting out of there it's almost not worth it, (and re-entry is even worse), but there's nothing like that time away. That picture at the end with your kids is is fantastic. Congrats on the 10 lbs. I know how amazing that is!

Celia Fae said...

I loved that post. I get it. Every time I am supposed to go on a trip I secretly wish I will get pneumonia and not have to go. It is so difficult to leave. And then there's the Baby Guilt. I've decided to lie about nursing so I won't feel pressure to leave my baby and have Baby Guilt.

Finally, I need to talk about the cute outfits in the photos. Where did you get those? And Gabe's tie? I need to know.

It's going to be weird blogging without you.

Kara said...

Your plenty entertaining. I totally see your point on the book space thing. I hate that! The temple is great no matter if there is a grandiose (sp?) experience or not. Have SO MUCH FUN on your trip. We are doing a Hawaii trip right after the marathon and I'm having the same issues with leaving the kids. So much to do, do they know we love them and will be back, we really need this etc. I can't wait to read a few books while I'm there! What books are you taking on your cruise?

Nor said...

Cruises are fun, but I'm with you on the set-up/take-down of the trip thing. Men think, "Oh, we'll just jump in the car and go." Women think, "Get a babysitter, do laundry, pack everything, worry about getting there on time, worry whole time you're gone. Get home, unpack everything, wash everything, deal with punishment from children from leaving."
But it's worth it!

Kara said...

by the way, will you be in St. George with hubby for the race? I'll be the last one across the finish line!

Carie said...

2 years ago Mark and I went on a 2 week trip to Mexico with 3 other couples. The week were supposed to leave, Cancun and Cozumel got all but destroyed by a hurricane. I was secretly glad, hoping maybe we'd have to stay home. In the end,we were able to go and we had THE TIME OF OUR LIVES. I remember feeling exactly what you are talking about. You are leaving your kids in good hands, they will be so happy. I know you will enjoy the time with your husband. Seriously, about 3 hours into the trip you are going to be thinking, "kids, what kids?"

Which books?

and 10 lbs? You are amazing!!!

Anonymous said...

It is so much work to get ready for a trip, especially when you are leaving kids home. It is like having to write an instruction manual for each child and all of their OCD tendencies...or is that just my children? Anyways, once all the work is done, there is NO better feeling than as you are driving away and have your ENTIRE trip ahead of you. I hope that doesn't make me a bad mom...I would seriously kill for a trip about now!
Penny

Tammy said...

Since I have no kids I have no clue how one could NOT want to go on a vacation?! I love traveling be it for work or personal fun, and I relish the chance to hop on a plane and go somewhere new and different. But, you hesitate because you are such an amazing mother and good person, and I admire that my friend. I think that is the selflessness of motherhood that happens, you would rather ensure they are happy than pursue happiness and joy which benefits only you and well Ryan, too. But, you deserve it, you work so hard, and are so selfless, you need to go enjoy, live it up, romance your husband, bask in the sun and eat chocolate!!! Enjoy!

Mario, Adrianne & Gabe Resek said...

You have great kids because you are an amazing mother, and it should go down for all posterity that you are not just my best friend, but my best example in life. Have a great trip!! (i have specifically scheduled my three days of no-computer for fixing while you will be gone and not blogging!)

Ilene said...

Hey, it is good to see the human side of Jessica! I think women are just bundles of contradictions and guilt. So many times I daydream about escaping from my children only to hesitate at the door, rethinking my solo trip to the grocery store. Why is it the kids look their sweetest as you leave them? Little devils.

Enjoy your cruise! Enjoy your books. I am excited for you to read 'Austenland'. I think if I could write a book it would be exactly like this book. The narrator and main character, Jane, are people I want to be friends with. I have a lot of fictional friends by the way. Sad but true.

rubberbandgirl said...

i enjoyed your post. No one needs to be entertained all the time.
Otherwise, we'd all watch TV ALL the time (well, I'd just live at the movie theater...).

THE SEELEYS said...

Hate you on the 10 lbs. I knew you looked WAY too good in that post-Wal-Mart-Debacle picture!

Have a great time...you deserve it!

Oh, Dane wishes we all had a mom like Dorrie.

Jessica said...

It's actually Ryan's mom who is coming--so we have two great grandmas.

Tiffany said...

I loved this -- sometimes you just want to "pause" life, but keep your family on play. Forget all of the outside distractions that eat at us everyday and just enjoy our kids. This time flies so quickly. Having said that, you and Ryan will have (I am sure) an amazing time away. Enjoy the reading -- I'm remembering all your reading in college. I was always a little jealous that you enjoyed it so much! Have a great time!

Tiffany said...

It's me again -- so I'm loving that you're commenting on Kara's blog . . . and then I saw Paige and Celia too! How fun! Kara and husband lived here in Louisville for dental school. I know I've met Paige before, but have I met Celia? I love reading their comments, what fun gals! And I didn't know they were sisters!

jilly the hillbilly said...

A cruise is the best way to travel. They are amazing. Try not to worry too much about your kids otherwise it will spoil all the fun you are supposed to have! We told our 2 year old when we went to Panama last Spring that mommy and daddy were going on an airplane (didn't want to explain the boat thing too) far away but we'd be back soon. My mom said every day he saw an airplane while we were gone he would scream and point to it excitedly saying "mommy and daddy!" He thought we were just flying around all day! Too cute. Have fun!!!!

Kirsten said...

I always feel guilty about leaving the kids, but once I'm on my trip, I quickly forget the guilt. Vacations rock! I'm not getting nearly enough, since it's so hard for me to find someone to watch my kids - both grandmas work! Have fun!

Erika said...

I'm with you girlfriend... we're on vacation at the same time... without kids. I left my infant, 3 months old... what kind of mother am I. Can't wait to hear about your trip.

brooke romney said...

I love reading your blog. So fun. Let me know of any great reads!

Brigitta said...

congratulations on the 10 pounds!!! You will have so much fun on the cruise, I am jealous. I am always ready for a vacation, but I also hate getting ready and then the (as paige put it) re-entry into real life. Just remember it takes a few days. To get back into the swing of things. To help with the guilt remember that they are bonding with their grandparents how else could they bond if you didn't leave them for a week with them.

Celia Fae said...

Come back to us, Jessica! Look, you got 21 comments. You are famous. I think you should be back by tomorrow and ready to pick up your old bad habits like blogging.

Celia Fae said...

Tiffany, I clicked on your name but you don't have a blog. Why not? How are we supposed to comment?

Lorena said...

Come back, already!