So, two things that happened tonight:
First: I was laying in bed and realized that I had hardly any Faith-time today. I had a big list of To-Dos and we had friends over and I just didn’t do anything with her besides feed her and transfer her. I didn’t look in her eyes or chase her around the floor or eat on her fingers (why are babies SO insistent on getting their fingers in your mouth while nursing?). And I was contemplating, seriously, going in her room and looking at her. MAYBE EVEN WAKING HER, just to be with her a little longer. Because that bad baby is closing in on a year and I missed one whole day with her today.
Second: I was reading a friend’s (here’s her public/non-family blog) post, where she simply described her last few weeks. In her last few weeks, she’s sent her last child to school for the whole day. She talked about runs, and lunches with her husband, and starting her whole day at 9am, in which NO KIDS WILL STOP HER MID-PLAN AND DEMAND ATTENTION. She is going to Institute and running errands and volunteering and crafting, in whatever quiet, undisturbed order she wants. I left a comment about being green with envy.
And then I remembered my first thought.
Why is motherhood SUCH a contradiction? Leave Me Alone/Like Me More Than Anything Else. Please Be Quiet/Is There Anything Cuter Than What He Just Said. How Embarrassing!/How Did I Get Such Awesome Kids. Please Grow Up/Please Stay Little.
My chest feels all tight and hurt-y right now as I try to want what I have, but not so much that I can’t let it go when it’s time.
Hardest job in the world, right?