Monday, August 31, 2009

The hardest part

So, two things that happened tonight:

First:  I was laying in bed and realized that I had hardly any Faith-time today.  I had a big list of To-Dos and we had friends over and I just didn’t do anything with her besides feed her and transfer her.  I didn’t look in her eyes or chase her around the floor or eat on her fingers (why are babies SO insistent on getting their fingers in your mouth while nursing?).  And I was contemplating, seriously, going in her room and looking at her.  MAYBE EVEN WAKING HER, just to be with her a little longer.  Because that bad baby is closing in on a year and I missed one whole day with her today. 

Second:  I was reading a friend’s (here’s her public/non-family blog) post, where she simply described her last few weeks.  In her last few weeks, she’s sent her last child to school for the whole day.  She talked about runs, and lunches with her husband, and starting her whole day at 9am, in which NO KIDS WILL STOP HER MID-PLAN AND DEMAND ATTENTION.  She is going to Institute and running errands and volunteering and crafting, in whatever quiet, undisturbed order she wants.  I left a comment about being green with envy.

And then I remembered my first thought.

Why is motherhood SUCH a contradiction?  Leave Me Alone/Like Me More Than Anything Else.  Please Be Quiet/Is There Anything Cuter Than What He Just Said.  How Embarrassing!/How Did I Get Such Awesome Kids.  Please Grow Up/Please Stay Little.

My chest feels all tight and hurt-y right now as I try to want what I have, but not so much that I can’t let it go when it’s time.

20 

Hardest job in the world, right?

27 comments:

Lauren in GA said...

Perfectly put, Jessica. Perfectly, perfectly put.

I was holding John yesterday and kind of wishing I could get something done around the house because laundry and dishes were closing in on me...and I told myself to stop it...because he wouldn't be little like this for long. Your post about, "Babies don't keep" came to mind.

Heidiram said...

Motherhood is the HARDEST job in the whole entire planet. Loved your post!

Christie said...

Amen, sista, amen.

Brooke said...

AMEN!!!!!!!!
I couldn't have said it better.
Somehow you always have a way of putting my thoughts into words soo well.
love you and miss you :)

the wrath of khandrea said...

well-written. although i do not think there is anything wrong with embracing a little selfish from time to time. we are human, and all these feelings are natural. i think you are right on in admitting it all. the problem comes when we feel the negative, but pretendd to live the positive. there has to be an honest recognition of both sides. you've captured that here. great job.

Carie said...

Love the picture.

The best thing of all is to love the stage your in, be happy for the memories from your past and look forward to things to come.

I really thought my post was super boring, I am glad you liked it.

Adrianne said...

Yeah, I've been doing lots of extra cuddling with Gabe lately b/c I'm afraid I won't have time when the baby comes...at the same time I dream of him LEAVING ME ALONE for 3 minutes.

Shirley said...

THANK YOU for always being able to put into words what so many of us are feeling!!!

diane said...

I am currently doing the dance of letting go. My daily thoughts are, have I taught her everything she needs to know to leave the nest in a year!? I want to wean her from needing me,all the while soaking up each last moment.

rubberbandgirl said...

Hardest job in the world.
This was beautifully put.
Thank you.

Jenna said...

I have felt the same things - I miss my littlest all day long while he's at school but relish in the peace & quiet when he's gone.

Annemarie said...

I totally get it.

Nancy said...

My thoughts exactly. Maybe this is how Heavenly Father encourages us to have more children, by making us long for the stages that are past. Even so soon after our babies are born, we wish for the times when they were smaller, younger, etc. And yet, we also enjoy watching them learn and grow and develop. The process is addicting.

Tammy said...

I hear similar things from all the mothers I know. Being a PARENT is shaping a life, really and that is by far harder than anything in the world. Being a mother is a special and amazing role and I hope to have these experiences someday as tough as they sound. Thanks Jessica for sharing, and for being so candid.

Shauna said...

Amen.

The Hansen Clan said...

You said that perfectly... My AP English teacher always told us to "be where you are." I really get what she meant now... enjoy it because the ride doesn't last long and the scary parts don't seem so bad when the ride is over.

Ilene said...

Amen.

Love how you put into words what we mothers all struggle with everyday.

Laura turns one next week. Can't believe it. Refusing to believe it.

And that pictures is absolutely beautiful.

mandy* said...

Right. Hardest job in the world!

G and G Nut said...

It might be the hardest job in the world, but nothing will ever bring you more joy.
xoxoxo

Tristan said...

Perfectly put indeed!! Being a Mother is the hardest and yet the most important calling a woman has. And I really wouldn't trade my life for anything.

That photo is just beautiful!

Meg said...

I am all choked up.

It rings so true.

Matthews Family said...

So true of how I feel too and probably almost every mother. What an adorable picture too!

Jacki said...

Tried to think of something clever to say, but the only "clever" thing I can think of is, YES.

Abbie said...

AMEN! Roller coaster.

(roller coasters seem to be the theme of my life right now)

gab said...

You are so right. I want to enjoy every moment, but I also can't wait for each stage to be over. Great post!

Hollyween said...

BEAUTIMUS picture. I love it.

It's so so true. And there's not enough time with them and yet too much. And not enough time to do what I want to do and yet... priorities priorities. The whole thing is just exhausting. And I have two and feel like that! I always think of my sister with her 6. Sigh.

Melissa said...

Beautiful, thank you.