Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dilemma

Okay, this post is definitely going to fall under the category : "Is she really publishing this for the world to see?" Before blogging, some things were private decisions made quietly between husband and wife and then announced with respectful fanfare. Not anymore, and especially not with me, the Queen of Saying Way Too Much.

No, no I'm not actually pregnant. Just debating. Actually no debate...I'm fairly certain it will be happening again soon. I'm ready and actually allowing the husband a little room to get on board. I really feel like we aren't done (and so does he), we've just had them all close and I'm willing to allow Ryan (a little) time to get really ready for the craziness that is pregnancy and that first year.

The thing is...I am going into this with my eyes open. Like, there is NO pretending I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I've had 4 pregnancies and 4 deliveries and 4 newborns and 4 years of nursing and NEVER getting your head above water. I know how hard it is. (At least for us...that stuff is just difficult and lots of work and I know there are others who just LOVE the new baby phase, but us...not so much). And so last week, as I walk into McDonalds for our weekly playdate, I think, as my kids run ahead, remove their shoes (and socks, I know HOW GROSS!, but I'm not fighting that battle) and I order their two happy meals and calmly fill their drinks and then sit them at a separate table where they eat and leave (and eat and leave and eat and leave) while I chat with my friends without a care in the world, why in the heck am I doing this all over again? Why, next year sometime, do I want to be lugging that obnoxious baby carrier, trying to balance the baby and the drinks or ask someone to watch it, nursing in public, standing and bouncing the fussy baby, loathing the post-baby body all over again??


I think it's because the end is in sight. Like, before I knew I was just slogging my way through...no hope of relief and so I just kept on it. But now, like right before your husband gets home to relieve your crazy homework/dinner/chores/hungry chaos and you think you can't possibly handle it all for 10 more minutes (even though you've been handling it all day), now...it's within my reach and I'm getting ready to leave this all behind.


But not quite. And I guess that's it, right? Not quite ready to have all the other babies in the world be NOT YOURS, not quite ready to have the last first word or step or giggle, not quite ready to give up the only thing you've done for the last 9 years, not quite ready to look at the kids in your house and know that it's complete.

I've never felt like this before...wanting and mustering up the courage all at the same time.

But because I HAVE done this before: I know it will be okay. Way more good than bad, way more joy than stress, way more cute than ugly.



I'll keep you posted.

36 comments:

Erin said...

Hey you. :) You are quite possibly the cutest pregnant girl ever (and I'm not just saying that--I really mean it). You and Ryan inspire us. You make it look fun, easy, fun, doable, and did I mention fun? We can't wait for you to (as Abbie said) people the world some more! :)

Penny said...

Ok, you got me all teary. I TOTALLY know what you are talking about! Even though my life is chaos and pretty much crazy with 4 boys, I am pretty sure that I am done (like 90%), but there is this small part of me that still wonders...

When you said about no more first words and smiles, and knowing that you won't have babies in your family anymore, it really makes me sad in some ways (seriously tearing up now!) in other ways, it is a relief. So, I get it. And I wonder if the rest of the world has such an inner battle about it.

Todd just said to me a couple of Sundays ago when a baby was being blessed, "People are having babies all around us and you aren't even getting the itch, we Must be done." Man, it is such a HARD decision!

How about this, you have the baby and I will come over hold it sometimes. I don't need anymore weight to try to get off anyways!!

Keep us posted...

Celia Fae said...

Do it, do it. My mom who is crazy and had too many children always said "You don't regret the children you have, you regret the children you don't have." I think she does regret a couple of them though so maybe we can't trust her.

Good luck making a tough choice. I feel your pain.

Nortorious said...

I'm with Celia. I know women who have too many kids and all they ever wish is that they would have had more. Who cares if you're overwhelmed for a few years, it will pay off for a lifetime.
Don't ask us Greenbaums. We're baby hungry all the time.

rubberbandgirl said...

Good luck with figuring it all out. We're in the same position. Funniest thing, though and since SOMEONE brought the subject now i can share it, Cam and I both dreamed I was pregnant last night. In my dream, I was near term and feeling the shape of the baby with my hands and so so happy. Cam's dream however was just after finding out and him panicking about how could this possibly happen? we took precautions against this!

Ilene said...

Good luck with all of that. Dan's on board with another one but it will be interesting to see what happens when I want a fourth (which I think I do want).

At least you LIKE giving birth so that is one less thing to stress about. I'm excited for my future pregnancies because I'm going to get the drug that makes me not produce breast milk so I don't have to worry about engorgement (really horrible when your plumbing doesn't work correctly). So in some ways I am actually looking forward to the next kid so I don't have to worry about the stress of failing at breast feeding once again.

Gosh, I get chatty at 12:45am.

Brown Sugar said...

Get r done!!! (I have been waiting my whole blog life to use my favorite white trash catchphrase, thankyou.)

gab said...

Wow. There have been a few posts on this subject lately. I think its great that you are open and sharing.

If I could get pregnant the old-fashioned way, I would TOTALLY do it. Even though I am way too old and can barely function most days.

Besides...everyone I know who has a little caboose enjoys them sooo much!

Somewhere in heaven there is a little angel jumping up and down and singing, "It's my turn on Earth!"

Carie said...

Okay, Celia and Notorious TOTALLY stole my insightful comment: you never regret the ones you have.

Don't forget by the time baby #5 comes (perhaps you could name her Carie), Jane will be in school. Emma and Gabe will be even older, more helpful, and more self-sufficient.

Have fun trying . . .

John Holly Levi & Faith said...

Okay. I have STRONG opinions on this subject because it's so hard for us to get babies here and I'll be lucky if I get another one (though I do have John's sperm saved up pre-chemo). I say "Go For It". I hate the weight too, but it's such a challenge getting it off and I'm always up for a good challenge. Faith is the cutest sweetest baby ever. Getting her bathed and dressed and fed is the best part of my day. Even though breastfeeding in public isn't my favorite either, the rest of it IS. Do it, do it, do it. Besides, weren't you going to have TWO more and name them Levi or Faith? Now you HAVE to! Besides, that pic of you pregnant is soo cute. I never looked that good. And I LOVE the hospital stay.

Karen said...

I always thought it would just be easier if there was some medical reason that just made the decision for me. Turns out, for me there was...and the decision still wasn't any easier.

Your family is so cute and you seem very well equipped to handle more (I guess since I don't really know you I can't say that for sure, but you put up a good show). Good luck on your decision.

Kenny, Linsey and Caleb said...

As someone who feels like she got married way too late to have as many children as I want and whose biological clock is screaming in my ear, of course I say do it - if you have the confirmation you need, if you feel like its doable physically and emotionally and most important for Kenny, financially, that is.

My youngest brother was basically unplanned, but I cannot imagine our lives without him. Growing up in a big family was hard sometimes, but being an adult in a big family is great and something I really want to give my kids.

Plus I think you owe it to society to thrown some more really cute, really well-behaved genes in the mix to counteract all the chaos.

Stie: My Favorite Things said...

That picture of you in the hospital right before you delivered, at maximum size? Um, I'm not even that skinny and cute when I'm NOT pregnant. So I think for all us ugly, fat pregnant girls, you should do it.

Kirsten said...

Are you in labor in that picture? Because you look awfully happy...but it's too early for an epidural because you are not yet hooked up to an I.V. And, YEAH, you look cute! I remember you pregnant with Seth...dang cute.

Bridget said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bridget said...

I'm with you on the baby phase. Do not like it one bit. I would be very happy to have skipped the first year. Babies to me are just a means to an end- to have children. Good luck. I think you are wise in 'giving the husband time to get onboard'. I've seen a few wives try tricking, cajoling, pleading, and manipulating their husbands into getting more children. Seems like a really great way to ruin a happy marriage. So kudos to you for considering your husband's feelings on the matter.


Your kids are adorable and I agree with Stie, you look WAY too good pregnant! Another baby sounds like its got to be in your cards. Good luck!

Jill said...

All I can say is you are lucky enough to even have the option to choose! If you can make it happen, make it happen (if you feel it's right)!!
For some of us it would be a total luxury!! Good luck with your decision :)

Mama Kaos said...

Fun! Remember - you can't just have ONE more :) I'll be staying posted.

day in the life of a prince said...

I SO understand. This whole post could be on my blog!! I would just have to change the names!!

gab said...

p.s. I think you look like Cameron Diaz in that photo!

zeeny said...

That's so exciting! My Brie is the same age as your Seth and I am having the same feelings to an extent. I only have two but would have lots more if I could have better control of my post baby body! O well...I guess if they are more than three years apart life will go on...I'll just live through you for awhile. (By the way...my first year sounds a lot like yours...just barley staying afloat!)

Tiffany said...

I loved your thoughts -- you really captured the emotions surrounding the anticipation of pregnancy and childbirth. It is hard (for me at least) -- really hard. I think it's so hard to enjoy a newborn when you're so sleep deprived you can't see straight, can't have a complete thought process and you are sore in two different places. I can't wait to be a grandma because I think I will finally enjoy a newborn.

We're not at the point of deciding whether we're done -- when I get there I'll remember your comment about the things you won't see anymore without a new baby -- first crawls, first steps, etc.
I'm excited for you. A baby couldn't come to a better home -- or a more fun one either!

Paige said...

Cutest pregnant person ever. You get cuter with each pregnancy. BUT, Will you show a picture of yourself pregnant with Emma so everyone knows that there is one time in your life that you let yourself go a little? Please, it will make us all feel better, because you were so cute and round and now you aren't round at all.

I don't understand the debate for another baby. It should always be a yes. Especially for you. I'm waiting for the magic pill that keeps my head out of the toilet the entire pregnancy, then I'm in.

Denae said...

It is none of my business but I think all women should have as many babies as they possibly can and still be a good mom. If I can ever have one again, don't worry, I'll be having 5 more. Sometimes getting pregnant is what your husband needs to decide he's ready!

Lorena said...

Yeah, you are way too cute pregnant to not ever be again.

That is such a personal decision and I know you will make the right choice.

Plus, you have the cutest kids to boot!

This is coming from the girl who is pretty sure 4 is it, but is not preventing because I'm wondering if there is another 1 in a million baby out there for me.

Brigitta said...

I totally know what you mean and here I am having my little caboose. (my youngest with me 5 1/2 when this baby is born.) I am a little crazy, because life has been diaperless and full of restful nights for almost 4 years and so now I am just stirring the pot a bit to mix things up and keep it real. But we all know that it's so worth it and you seem like such a great mom and could totally handle it and your husband is around a lot which makes life so much easier. Like Nike says, Just Do It!!!

Abbie said...

Of course you're having another baby. I see at least two more in your future. You have to. You and Ryan are too good at it to bow out at 4. Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!

And, I want 6, so you have to do it, so I know that it can be done and can call you when I'm going crazy.

Abbie said...

Of course you're having another baby. I see at least two more in your future. You have to. You and Ryan are too good at it to bow out at 4. Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!

And, I want 6, so you have to do it, so I know that it can be done and can call you when I'm going crazy.

Erika said...

First, award winning writing on this one.... especially the not ready to give up part. Second, I'm assuming you don't want to be talked out of this one - you just want a cheering section. Third, will 5 be enough?

Brooke Romney said...

For one, I've never seen more comments on a blog in my life. YOu should consider having advertising sponsors. I loved this post because we feel EXACTLY the same way. The first year is tough (although James has been an icredible baby), and I firmly beleive that nursing, lugging baby carriers, being up at night etc, would be just fine if I didn't have to lose 40 pounds and get back into shape at the same time. YOu guys are such fantastic parents though, that baby would be so lucky. Good luck. I'm sure we'll catch up sometime soon!

Paige said...

I have to comment again because I thought about you all last night. You are such a good mom AND your husband is such a good dad you should bless the world with more of YOUR kids. We'll be needing GA's in 90 years. Also, why are you in such a hurry? Why not wait a few years so you can look forward to one or two more? I can't imagine how great it would be when Emma and Gabe are 10 and 12.

Me & My BOYS said...

Oh, I am soo in the same delimma right now. I totally want another baby, but I am constantly going crazy with just my two.

Celia Fae said...

Reading these thirty two comments totally makes me want to be knocked up and my husband just bought 72 rubbers. I guess I have some hole poking to do.

bloggingchristy said...

I'm glad you have a cute delivery picture to post, I don't have any. This delivery I think I will go to glamour shots the day of, and take pictures before the contractions get hard, and then claim I looked just like that on every day I delivered my babies.

If you can't tell I am bitter about everyone who has cute delivery pictures!

Adrianne said...

I have several comments on this post.

1. how do you know all these people?
2. do you know anyone who can get pregnant naturally anymore?
3. you really should wait a bit more because there won't be enough of an age difference with Seth to have the "caboose" baby that everyone loves so much.
4. I really want at least one set of our kids to be the same age, and I'm planning on pregnancy around Jan. 2009. That can be negotiated, but Jan. 2008 is tooooo early.
5. maybe it's better to never decide "this is the last one", you have one more, then maybe you have another, and maybe you just never do. Or do you think you enjoy it more if you know it's the last?? philosophical discussion.
6. what everyone says is really true, you are an amazing mom and family and more kids deserve to be raised by you and Ryan.

Tammy said...

I am psychic maybe, because I was just telling Abby and my family this past weekend that I knew you would be pregnant soon or announcing some strategy to get pregnant.....because all of the little babies that are popping up is making you nostalgic. I could tell from each of your blog comments and I knew it was coming! You are a great mom and if you can handle 5 kids, financially support them and love them and guide them into the world, then by all means have another if that is what you both want. I wish you could have one for me, too! :)