Friday, January 25, 2008

Sweater Whether

Jessica proudly displaying her persuasion abilities, last Saturday night.

Every winter the question resurfaces … whether to sweater. As Jessica and I browse for some gay apparel the inevitable suggestion comes, “What about that sweater?” A flash of the neatly folded pile on the top-corner shelf of our bedroom closet rushes to mind. That is where I keep my stash … my sweater stash. The pile is actually only 3 deep now thanks to last year’s donation to the local Goodwill. I won’t disclose how many of Spokane’s less fortunate are truly less fortunate due to their wives’ undoubtedly bringing home a recent sweater find.

I could sense Jessica’s eyes wandering to the sweaters as I rummaged through the T-shirt table. I had hoped that by somehow projecting exuberance over one of the graphic Ts, I could stave off the suggestion of a sweater. All to no avail.

I do enjoy one aspect of the suggestion. My favorite part of the discussion is how as I try it on Jessica will suddenly become surprisingly amorous telling me how good the sweater looks on. As a novice, I used to believe the sweater’s effect would be re-enacted each and every time I wore the sweater. Thirty bucks seemed a very fair price for such a commodity. Yet time has schooled me in the sad lesson that the initial sweater response is replayed at most three times and in rapidly decreasing degrees.


#1 In the store – wide eyes, big smile, lots of extra touching, accelerated breathing, it looks sexy on you, oohs&aahs, etc. etc. (this actually continues for as long as I deliberate on the purchase … sometimes I will take a little extra time and bask in the attention).
#2 Date Night – “That sweater looks “nice” on you.”
#3 A few weeks later – “Um, can you scoot away a bit, that sweater is kind of itchy".

I have also learned that the sweater is only to be worn on date night. Sweaters seem to invite taunts from male friends. This is due to the fact most men understand the psychology behind the purchase of one. Sweaters aren’t really comfortable, and they aren’t versatile. I suppose if you are cold they might be okay, but I get cold about twice a year.

This is why my stash is the only pile in my closet that remains neatly folded, because we all know that after wearing it twice... the magic is gone.

21 comments:

Ilene said...

Jessica has better persuasion abilities than I. I can't get Dan to wear a sweater for "date" night. Maybe if it had the Univ. of Oregon insignia on it...

He,however, has embraced sweaters for church which saddens me because I like him in a suit. I have to employ certain breathing and complimentary tactics to convince him to put on that suit jacket.

I have yet to come close to get him to buy flat-front slacks. He has tried them on but refuses to come out of the dressing room saying that he looks gay. What he doesn't understand is that a lot of gay guys look good.

Anne Lee said...

If you would really like to be a long distance member, you SOO could! We normally know the theme like, three weeks in advance. It would be very exciting!

Oh, and if you'd like, HAL can most definitely come visit at Blogapalooza!

Tammy said...

I think guys that wear sweaters are a bit sensitive, in a good way. Brian feels similar sentiments as Ryan. But I will bodly state that guys look HOT in sweaters. If you want to avoid looking hot go on and keep wearing t shirts, but if u want to step it up........sweaters are SEXY!

Paige said...

Your sweater if fine, but Jessica's is adorable! You do actually look really good in that sweater. A sweatshirt wouldn't show off your manly pecs.

My husband has more sweaters than me. But then again, he's totally metro. And Mr. Cashmere never itches. My $14 sweaters do.

Jill said...

This is hilarious...I have to show my husband this post. He will greatly appreciate it. The only reason he has any sweaters are because I bought them. Too funny. And why don't men ever get cold? It's not fair. My blood is ice.

John Holly Levi & Faith said...

It's true. Men don't get cold. John always refers to the Seinfeld episode about Jerry being "Even Steven". That is John. Even Steven.

But about the sweaters... John says they're "GAY" especially really thick wooly itchy ones. He just doesn't wear them so I don't buy them. I get the nice longsleeved sweater-looking stuff instead. You should try it, Jessica.

Meg said...

My husband loves sweaters. He also loves Jane Austen movies. And he's not gay. Yeah for me!

crystal said...

Ohhh, poor Ryan--the magic is gone after 3 times; it's rather like Cinderella's coach turning into a pumpkin.

Mike detests sweaters, too.

"I won’t disclose how many of Spokane’s less fortunate are truly less fortunate due to their wives’ undoubtedly bringing home a recent sweater find." (your words)....bwwwwaaaaahahahahaha! Great writing!

Bridget said...

I want to know where Jessica got her sweater. Love it.

Celia Fae said...

Ryan, the sweater is a good look for you. Way better than the mock turtlenecks that MY husband still thinks are sexy. When mock t's come back into style, we are going to be a handsome family. Very star trek.

Audry said...

I think the sweater looks good. I don't even attempt to help my husband dress, he has his own style and sweaters are big part of it. The man has more shoes than I do.

Adrianne said...

My husband loves sweaters, and I love them on him, and not just because they are the only thing he doesn't tuck in. he tucks in everything else - including his t-shirts into his pijama pants. I have tried the same persuasive moves trying to get him to untuck, but have failed. Maybe That's another thing I need lessons on from JEssica. But really, I also just wnat to know where she got her adorable sweater.

My comment is so long, I should have converted this to a blog post...

Carie said...

This is why I am glad my husband does not do blogs. He is blissful unaware that there may be any male sweater related issues. He wears them all the time, very sexily I might add.

He is kind of like Paige's husband, a bit of a metro.

Lauren said...

Ryan!
This post is a great public service for all of the ladies reading it. I,like Ilene, will definately have to institute the "lots of extra touching, accelerated breathing and tell my husband how sexy he looks to inspire some wardrobe changes. Seriously~ this post was a gold mine!

andrea said...

the best i can suggest is to rub some cinnamon body oil on the sweater... if you'd like the sweater libido to remain high. it might encourage the continued touching, oohing, ahhing, and whatever else the sweater freak does.

Denae said...

You are my husbands twin. He hates sweaters and anything that I find sexy. He wears them once in a blue moon to appease me. Why are men so determined to be "comfortable" all of the time?

julie said...

I tried that in college before we were married, and it didn't even work then. He's as stubborn as a mule.
I will have to write Jessica and learn some of her moves...

Erin said...

It's like you have some sort of secret camera into our sweater battle. For the record, Spencer bought one this year OF HIS OWN FREE WILL and wears it often. I guarantee that if I'd brought that sucker home it would have been deemed "homely" or something equally as fashion-deathish.

I think some of the sweater fear comes from an association with maturity (as in age--not behavior). Sensible sweater=old man who might as well toss some sandals on over those knee socks because it's all over from here.

Lorena said...

Move to Arizona...my dream of my man in a sweater has melted away.

gab said...

Hahaha! Genius and sooo soo true.

Kristin said...

I love guys in sweaters, Matt wears them out of great need here, but that only lasts for a couple of weeks.