Monday, December 10, 2007

Husband Knows Best

I have been so slammed with work and well, work that I have barely had time for the necessities. Today, I finally exited the haze and had a look around. I was horrified with what has happened to my blog. Just looking at the most recent spat of comments brought tears to my eyes. The weepiness was on account of the estrogen that drooled over my mouse-hand as I clicked on the link. I have abandoned my post for too long and as a result, I have a choice to make. I can either change the blog colors to lavender text on a powder pink background, or I can re-stake my territory. Don't worry this will not involve urinating around the perimeter (some one out there must have seen Never Cry Wolf ... what am I saying?!? A movie about a man fighting to survive alone in the wild, probably not).
So here is how we roll ... I will post a male perspective on recent happenings and no one will add comments that involve any of the following:
  • Recent or impending purchases
  • Baking or recipes
  • How skinny any blog participant may look
  • Anything to do with fingernails or toenails unless it indicates how they can be effectively employed as a weapon
  • Communal encouragement of any kind

Until we all learn to follow these rules, Jessica will be banned from adding to the blog. Okay seriously though, you will be peppered with annoyingly non-female posts

So let's begin - shall we?

#1 - On Saturday Jane was crying too much. Finally she began to cry about losing in hide and go seek. So what is a father to do to resolve this dilemma? Easy - 3 words. "Suck it up." I told her to suck it up and stop crying or stop playing the game. This all happened just as Jessica was breaking in the new babysitter on the Romney routines. I could tell by the sideways glance I got from my wife that she was a bit embarrassed and wouldn't have chosen my method of instruction. I could tell by the big eyes on Jane that she either didn't quite understand the phrase or was a little concerned with the new sheriff in town. But guess what ... no more crying

#2 - If I wanted to I could torture my wife. I am not talking about run-of-the-mill annoying my wife (even though I have "skillz" in that arena as well). I am talking about Jack Bower style inflicted pain.

How would I do this? It would proceed as follows. Wait for her to be invited to do almost anything, go to lunch with a friend, attend a book club, participate in a baby shower, etc. (really any social gathering will do). Then I would orchestrate another group of her closest 25 friends to invite her to an alternate social activity for the exact same time. She cannot refrain from participating. She never could. So on Saturday she had already scheduled a "cook day" where she made 8 meals at the same time we were having family Christmas cookie day, which happened to be on the family house cleaning day. So when my sister called and informed me that she wanted to invite Jessica and Emma to her yearly holiday Nutcracker excursion, I knew just what to do. I politely declined on her behalf and told Heather that I would be sure to let Jessica know about the invitation. As promised, after all the baking was finished and the ballet was long since over I told Jessica about the invitation. "I wish I would have known" she lamented "I could have fit that in." "No you couldn't honey, I know you think you could, which is precisely why I shielded you from making the mistake of trying to" I informed her.

Unfortunately, my post does include references to baking, crying and ballet, but I think Jack Bower ought to cancel that out.

24 comments:

Lauren said...

Ryan,
Wow...that post was truly insightful and testosterone charged.
As an avid reader of your family blog I must compliment you on your writing skills. You are quite hilarious. I mean that sincerely.
Now...would you please get off of the computer because I need to ask Jessica what kind of hot rollers she uses and get her Wassail recipe...
Thanks for understanding...

Rochelleht said...

I loved 'Never Cry Wolf'. It starred Chip from 'My Three Sons' all grown up.

Stie: My Favorite Things said...

Yes, I agree with Lauren. You are a great satirist, but we'd like to get back to the business at hand: discussing childbirth, fashion, and baking. BRING JESSICA BACK!

Cassie said...

Hey Ryan, this is Cassie Daines (married to Steven)
I just wanted to let you know that I have seen "Never Cry Wolf". And that probably is one of the most masculine movies out there...nice pick!

andrea said...

dear jessica's husband,
i wanted to tell you i recently bought a cookbook for skinny women with recipes that will make your nails grow faster. i encourage you to read it.
we're happy to have you join in our conversations. welcome.

Brown Sugar said...

Ryan I was so fired up after that post I enthusiastically punched a hole in the drywall while howling. I have never seen 'Never Cry Wolf' but one time my father rented Bloodsport and we watched it together. It too is a very manly movie and taught me an important lesson: dont waste your time talking about your feelings, just store them all up and use them as fuel to train hard, and then just start kicking butt!

John Holly Levi & Faith said...

Hey, Jack Bauer still looks fashionable even when he's saving the world. Ya know those hot tee shirts he's wearing? Picked out by his stylist woman... who's most likely skinny, beautiful and bakes cookies and does it all just like your wife.

Where is she, by the way?

Penny said...

Ryan, don't you need to like go to work, or put up some Christmas lights, or tell your kids to "suck it up" or something? We have some serious things to discuss here...
WE WANT JESSICA!!

You are quite funny though. I guess we will allow you once in awhile, as long as you include a recipe or a story about childbirth.

Celia Fae said...

A refreshing voice from the male perspective. Ryan, you are so hot and macho. You could probably take Jack with only your fingernails, all while telling him to suck it up.

I'm going to need some pictures so I can tell you how skinny you are. Get to work.

Denae said...

Ryan, very brave of you to venture back to female-blog land. Also very brave of you to say no to the nutcracker. I secretly wish my husband would do that for me.

Lauren said...

Now, I am feeling like I alienated you, Ryan...I apologize...did I start some sort of a revolution? I am sure I speak for everyone reading this blog...we love to hear from you. Having said that...do YOU know what kind of hot rollers Jessica uses?

AMY said...

Dear Jessica's hubby,
Now you have to admit that it felt pretty darn good to get on here and vent all of your frustrations to the bloggy world. And you must admit it feels pretty darn good hearing all the feedback from supportive and amused bloggy friends. And that means you must admit it's nice to have someone other than dear Jessica to bounce all of this off of once in awhile, yes?
Now that you completely understand, please put Jessica back on. She needs us.

gab said...

Hahaha! This was great. I think husbands should do some "guest posting" on all the blogs. A nice change of pace.

Ilene said...

Ryan, I for one appreciate keeping your wife in the kitchen so I could eat her delicious treats prior to Dan and I attending the Nutcracker ourselves.

I agree with the "suck it up" theory. Dan and I use that a lot with Jackson. Of course he is a boy and so perhaps more appropriate for the testosterone-infused sex.

Karen said...

That was a great post! I had to squeeze my blogging time in today between a trip to the mall and my daily baking session. I noticed in that picture of Jack Bower how thin he looks...great camera angle. Well, I'd better run...my fingernails need some attention before I get dinner going. Stuffed shells...want the recipe? Hey, great post. Keep up the good work.

Paige said...

Ryan, you are tough and masculine. Go run a mile and kill a deer while jessica blogs with us!

Me & My BOYS said...

Ryan,

It's nice to know you finally came home from work.

Kenny, Linsey and Caleb said...

okay, you're super macho - but for the record you did just write a blog post motivated by a woman, all about a woman for the benefit of a lot of women who all commented on your masculinity. Does it still count as reclaiming the blog for your sex in general if no one in your audience was spitting or flexing while reading your inspired words?

Carie said...

Just for the record: I like Jessica's posts AND I like Ryan's posts. I have just been reading your blog long enough to remember when you both used to post regularly.

(communal encouragement kind of creeps me out too, but I always like talk of skinniness if it in reference to me.)

I hope the ladies don't turn on me.

Kirsten said...

Good luck with that, Ryan! if you posted half as much as Jessica, you might win!

Adrianne said...

see, I know that you are Mario would totally get along - or at least complain together about how your wifes over-schedule their lives. Are you sure you can't come to ca to rescue him from all the estrogen??

Kara said...

I miss Jack Bauer...and I was starting to miss your posts! Glad to see you making a come back. I need to start reading blogs again!

Lindsay said...

Ryan, we're sorry we left you out...you look thin in your blog pictures also.

Tammy said...

Ryan...I was thinking the same things as you to some degree, but did not want to rain on everyone's parade and say them. So now that the cat is out of the bag, I will agree with your commentary. You know I love Jessica of course, but all the females on the comment boards getting chick-like and all the comments on people looking skinny, emotional books to read and recipes are a bit over the top...gosh I feel tomatoes being pelted at me as I speak...So how about this, a bit more gnarly, kick butt posts and comments and a little less chicky stuff. Cheers!