Tuesday, June 10, 2008

An Orphan's Plea

**credit to Stie who did something along these lines last year. Don't click on this link; you'll realize hers is funnier...but she never got called of God, so there.

I must really have an international reputation as a do-gooder, because look at the email I just got:

Dearest One,

I know that my message will come to you as a surprise since I dont know you in person or met with you before, but I am of the believe that God would use you to come to my help.I am Miriam, 18yrs a Medical Student undergraduate, from Cote d' Ivoire,the only child of Late Mr R. G. Kolo who was murdered alongside my mother and only brother last year by rebels. I am Presently in an orphanage because of wickedness of uncle's and relatives. Before his death he had a domicilary account here, up to the tune of (Four Million Five Hundred Thousand US dollars) . Please I need your assistance to get this money tranferred to you for my education, investment and to be my guardian before my uncles will get hold of me and the money. I shall forward to you with the necessary documents on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer of the money to you. As you will help me to travel and to complete my studies.I am willing to offer you reasonable percentage from the total money as compensation for your effort.

May God touch your heart and use you to bring back happiness and joy in my life. Call me on +22508995621

Your Sincerely
Miriam.

Was it the money I sent to American Idol Gives Back? Did they get a hold of my Tithing slip from the Church? Maybe it's cause Ryan always hands out granola bars to the Vets Who Spent All Their Money in the War...

How sad is it that her father, mother and brother died?! Lucky they left her $4,500,000 before it happened. And that those dastardly rebels haven't gotten a hold of it yet!!

The problem here is that I have no idea what a "domicilary account" is. You'd think she'd seek help from one of those smarties who set it up for her. I'll do my best (for a percentage like she's alluding to, I can do-good all OVER the place), but I hope she's not disappointed in her "Dearest One".

Ryan had a good question, when I showed him how God was about to touch my heart: "They have email at that orphanage?" Domicilary accounts, medical education AND email?? That's some orphanage.

This post is just to let you know, that because God is using me to help Miriam, I might be able to pay a Blog Post Writer in the future, as I seem to be out of fun ideas lately. What do you think?

23 comments:

Lauren said...

No! We want you as a blog post writer!!!

I agree with Ryan...that is some orphanage!

Not to ignore an orphan in need but, I have a comment totally off of the subject....I had a dream about you and your family last night. We were making these mint green sashes for our kids to wear and I kept telling you how happy I was to finally meet you. Ryan was playing the guitar for us while we worked. You had mint green colored pearls on.

What do you think it all means? Yeah, I know...nothing...but I think you should wear the mint green pearls when you speak before the UN about your tireless work with orphans with e-mail accounts and very large sums of money about to be siezed by rebels.

Heather said...

Nope. You are definately not out of the funny.

Maybe you could hire someone to type in this blasted word verification thing-ey though.

qkvmbmpw

really.

Ilene said...

The lack of ideas is because you miss me so much, isn't it?

I thought so.

I miss you too.

Rochelleht said...

Oh, Jessica, that is hilarious. I remember that other post from Stie and they are both funny.

I'm glad God has touched my heart for other important works, cause I'd hate to turn down that sweet thing just trying to stay away from her evil uncles...

Paige said...

I'll help you out with that account. Send ME the money and I'll get you all set up- or myself some new shoes.

Jill said...

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. Obviously you aren't out of the funnies yet!!
I love the statement about having email in the orphanage. That's a good one :)

Christie said...

Oh, your orphan only has four million five hundred thousand US dollars? Mr. Lu Yan offered me 19 millions US dollars. I think you should just help me help Mr. Yan. Ignore the orphan. Mine's a better deal for sure, even if I wasn't called of god.

P.S. You are FAR from out of the funny, girlfriend.

P.S.S. Does anyone ever respond to these stupid letters?

P.S.S.S. Has anyone ever done a post script with three S's before?

P.S.S.S.S. I'll stop now.

andrea said...

who gives a crap about the orphans when the celtics and lakers are playing? email miriam and tell her there are more important things in this world than her little "needs".
selfish freakin orphan.

Bridget said...

It's a hard knock life for Miriam. Lucky you, you get to help her out with all that cold hard cash.

I've missed your posts. You've got lots of funny in you. You just have to believe dearest one.

Meg said...

Such a great post!

And you haven't let on at all to any loss of creativity...you are as funny as ever.

Hazen5 said...

Is that letter for real? Come on! Dearest One, I think your money was well spent for "Idol Gives Back"!

I think you are too Funny!

gab said...

I think you should just send an ebelskiver pan.

Goldie said...

I love it, I hope you are going to help her get all that money.

Nancy said...

The fact that some people even fall for scams like this amazes me. They are so outrageous to begin with, and then the more you think about them (email in an orphanage, rebel uncles) the funnier they get. Thanks for the laughs!

Marcie said...

Saint Jessica! That's what I'm to be hear as you are help orphanage! Bless to you.

Natalie said...

First, before you hire a blog writer (which would be just terrible), I think that you should invest in a home office for your husband.
Second, Do you remember the wife who murdered her preacher husband because she got into financial trouble? Their financial trouble all started with one of those very letters from the sad orphans. Oh, and he made her wear stripper shoes and she wasn't comfortable with that (pchh chh). So right now I am feeling called of God to warn you to watch out. Miriam may be on her way to turning you into a stripper-shoes-wearing-husband-slayer. I'm not even kidding.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/08/14/preacher.slain/index.html

Natalie said...

Also, why on earth did you look so cute on a THURSDAY? I only look decent on Sundays and some WEdnesdays.

Erika said...

ummm - why is your life so interesting. seriously. try out a little boring once in a while.

Janssen said...

Oh man, what a hoot. She clearly chose well who to send the email to.

Annemarie said...

Gheesh, I don't even get the pleading for financial help from orphans emails. I just get the emails telling me I've won the Irish Lottery. Dang, I could really help the orphans, I'm loaded...if only they would ask.

TexasTwinsTwice said...

Seriously I wish there were a better way to track down these sickos and punish them. Sadly too many people fall for these e-mails!

Anna said...

Hey there, I came to your blog by way of Andrea. This is hilarious, and sadly some people fall for the scam. Keep writing your blog, I love it. I promise to comment more.

Anonymous said...

When I get these scams, I always respond with a file attachment with the information that they request in the e-mail. But it’s a picture of my shriveled genitals, which I know is illegal — but I’d love for the scammers to reveal themselves by trying to prosecute me!