Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Gabe and the Spitting

The other day, I walk in from the gym just as Ryan says, in a loud, incredulous voice, "Gabe! What did you just do?" Gabe, in the raspy, gulpy voice he gets when he's worried about being in trouble says, "Um. Nothing." Ryan says, in a more loud, yet equally incredulous voice, "Gabe!! Did you just SPIT on the carpet?!" Gabe, really raspy and gulpy, replies, "Uh. Yeah?"

(The culprit, refusing to pose in a hilarious What Me? pose for this post. What a baby.)

Okay, seriously. My 8 year old just hawked a lugy on the floor. (I've been to Dave Barry's blog and checked on the proper spelling and terminology of both hawked and lugy, so I can hang with the little boys now).

I'm imagining puddles of spit in various stages of drying all over the house (Ryan mentioned to me later that he thought he saw him do it earlier that morning, but didn't think it could possibly be true, until he heard/saw it again). I'm planning on never going barefoot again. And Faith will certainly never touch her pristine little tummy to Gabe's "augmented" carpet again.

Okay, but this is the thing:

HE DID IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS DAD. His really neat, overly-concerned-with-taking-good-care-of-our-things dad. He was, literally, 3 feet away from him, in the same room. Which leads me to believe


Guess what? This falls into the category of Stuff I Didn't Think I Needed To Explain To My Children Because It's That Obvious. We've never had a FHE on Not Leaving Your Saliva Around Our House. We've never felt it was necessary to remind our progeny, "Hey. In case you were thinking of copiously drooling into the rug, don't." Have you?

Sadly, this category (Stuff I Didn't Think I Needed To Explain To My Children Because It's That Obvious) is shrinking for me. As I have more children and more years with them, I realize there is apparently very little that actually falls into that category.

Don't cut your own clothes with scissors while they are on your body? Not in that Category.

Don't put pennies into the car CD player? Not in that Category.

Don't put hot glue on your finger? Not in that Category.

So, Readers, if I'm more absent than normal from my's because I'm doing lots and lots of explaining. It appears we haven't been doing enough of that lately. I'd appreciate any ideas of things I should make sure that I explain. I wouldn't want to forget one.


Lorena said...

Changing underwear everyday, even if you haven't bathed.

Not sleeping with glasses on.

Not eating boogers. (We realized it is because they don't know where to put it after they pick it.)

Not using a toothbrush that has fallen on the floor without washing it first.

Do I even need to go into the hair cutting?

Lauren in GA said...

At least he didn't say, "But you never said I couldn't spit on the carpet.

I agree with Lorena...change your underwear each and every day, even if you haven't bathed.

Don't stick your brother in the dryer against his will, just to see if he will fit.

Don't tickle your brother until he cries, even if he is laughing hysterically...his screams betweem the laughter indicate he has had enough.

If your mother is in the bathroom and says, "Just a minute" for pity sake, don't beat on the door until she finally opens it.

Okay...I'd better stop...I'm getting a little worked up here.

Thank you for looking up, "hawked" and, "lugy" for me. With my 3 boys, you never know when I will need to spell those words.

Hilarious post, by the way ;)

Lindsey said...

Wiping? That seems to be the problem we have here! That is too funny... Oh, and soooooooo glad you got the monsterous bag!

rubberbandgirl said...

Big THANK YOU for letting us laugh at your expense. YUCK!

When you play 'dress up' at someone else's house, don't take your clothes off to do it.

Um, that's all I've got for now...

♥Shally said...

When you get out of the shower... turn OFF the water.

Yes, you have to rinse all the soap out of your hair.

I have big footprints on my car windshield. I guess I left out that CARS are not for climbing. Especially large SUBURBANS.

andrea said...

oh this is so good. so, so good. i'm subscribing because the comments are as good as the post.

"to this end was i born"

sadly, yes.

andrea said...

and just for the record, i totally have this image of him sitting in front of a slot machine for hours, possibly smoking, but certainly spitting on the casino floor.
because gambling is FUN!

Anisa said...

That is soooo gross. Boys!!!

Nancy said...

This makes me laugh so hard I nearly peed. It also makes me so glad I'm having a girl. Then again... there's plenty to be afraid of there too. Like the following items that shouldn't have to be explained.

Don't see how many girls can fit on a toilet and pee at the same time.

Don't put your tongue in someone else's eye just to see what it tastes like.

Don't write on wallpaper with whiteboard markers just to see if it will come off.

J'net said...

Even Jesse thought this one was funny!
I think you are heading into the NEXT phase of life, identify the obvious and still have a conversation about it... This begins the time in life where the kids start tuning out the parenting... Someone at school must be spitting and HIS parent probably CHEWS!!
OK, TOO funny about all the comments that are now available for explanation. WE just had to teach our kids NOT to tape butt cracks just 'cuz they were cracked... I think that went along w/playing DOCTOR!
But it was a teaching moment on this home front. NOW I am working on teaching my budding college student that "free time" is NOT for endless hours of WOW game playing... What about all those college projects that are coming due next week FINALS...
I already DID college, and really don't have to repeat it... SO how long does this go on???
Until the next blog... Aloha

diane said...

My missionary son thinks it's cool to plug one nostril while blowing boogers out the other nostril into sinks or just public. I taught him to use Kleenex. I guess he decided to go green. Sick.

Don't try on women's clothes at the store and take pics.

Don't breed feeder mice without telling your parents.

Don't leave the Padre stadium and take the trolley without an adult or permission.

Don't stand up on a roller coaster.

Can you tell I've raised 2 teenage boys to manhood.

No wonder I'm exhausted!

Robin said...

Don't wipe your boogers on the wall.

And - we did have a FHE on lifting the toilet lid before you pee and then putting it back down...I think it is time for that FHE again.

Christie said...

I think a Romney family training video is in order. What NOT to do in the house...

Pineapple Princess/Shauna said...

There is just about nothing more gross to me than the thought, sound or sight of a lugy. I think that boys are like dogs and like to mark their territory. I would rather they use spray paint than mucous. EWWWWWWWWWW.

How about, don't use permanent markers instead of fingers to play the piano?

I'm with the other ladies whose children don't seem to know what toilet paper is for. Do we really need a demonstration. Boogers stay on fingers UNTIL they meet up with some tissue. Not a wall, not a blanket, not your pants or the kitchen table. . .oh man, you got me started now.

Liz said...

There will be more. You can't possibly anticipate everything. And you're hopelessly outnumbered. I raised/am raising 6 children and there is never a dull moment. I hope you don't mind me using and expanding on this theme for my own blog. (probably on Friday) Come see me at we can laugh and cry together over our adventures in parenting!

Rochelleht said...

I'm laughing so hard!!!

I'm so completely uninspired, that I can't think of a single thing. Does that mean my kids are perfect? HA!

Erin said...

Not washing your face in a public fountain.

Not using the toilet scrub brush as some sort of "whisk" after you do your duty but before you flush the toilet.

Not just laughing at the neighborhood toddler who takes off all her clothes and pretends to be taking a shower in the backyard with out telling a grownup that she's streaking.

Don't try to pee into the toilet without lifting the seat just because "it's too hard to lift it" when you're tired.

SIGH. Our list could go on and on.

gab said...

This is an excellent topic. It deserves a blog unto itself!

Laurie said...

Don't touch the big blue mint in the urinal.

Don't see if you can touch your fingers together around your brother's neck.

Don't turn around while peeing.

Don't change the baby's diaper while mom and dad are sleeping.

Don't chew on your shirtsleeves.

Don't expect mom to drive like xbox monster trucks.

That's all I've got on the fly.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that I tuned in today - I always thought it was HUCK a lugy! Now I know

Bridget said...

Thank you for using the phrase "hawked a lugy". I haven't heard it in years and it cracked me up.

Whenever my kids do somethign insane like that, that I think is obviously not allowed I will tell them "That is now Rawlins rule #579. No sticking dinner rolls down your pants." For example.

Meg said...

This is funniest post I've read all week. Thanks for sharing it.

zeeny said...

Totally impressed you are already back to the gym...crazy. I guess I never told my little one not to cut toy ponies hair. She was so excited she got to play "hair cutter" at her friends house...totally unaware!

Annemarie said...

Don't pee in the backyard coi pond at the family reunion.

Don't brush your teeth with the toothbrush looking toilet brush in the fast food establishments restroom.

I have been laughing about this post for the past three days!!!

Ilene said...

Wiping boogers on the wall and snot on the couch throw pillows.

Don't worry, I will wash those before you visit.

Adrianne said...

I realize he's only 18 months, but I say to myu Gabe at least 25 times a day "WHat are you THINKING???" Amazing, but not at all surprising considering the number of full blown adults I know that need in on your lessons.

SusieQ said...

Let's see...for starters,

*Don't lick your parents

*Don't sneak up behind your parents and try to give them the heimlich maneuver

*Don't start the shower and then sit on the toilet for 15 minutes before getting in.