Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The bloom is off the rose

The jig's up. The hormones have worn off (or turned majorly on, depending on what we're talking about). The baby's woken up and I have no more "I just had a baby, leave me alone" excuse any longer.



I'm totally drowning.



As I told Ryan last week (during the 27 tearful times I called him, gasping for air): I cannot do my life, a newborn AND Christmas. It's humanly impossible.



If I'd written this on Saturday (I should have, I'm always a little more amusing when I'm drowning in depression hormones--all extremes and superlatives), I would have told you how I


  • had LOST it with Jane the night before,

  • have lost 0 pounds in the last 4 weeks

  • cannot deal with the discomfort of the girdle I bought to hold in my post-fifth-baby stomach "just for a few weeks until I can fit into my normal jeans without severe muffin top"

  • am feeling more like a failure as a parent due to previously mentioned parenting classes and all the ways it shows me I suck. (Drill Sergeant, much?)

  • have a husband whose perfection benefits yet totally EXHAUSTS me (especially in comparison to my less-than-perfect self)

  • am feeling slightly suffocated by being the only feeder, the only person "who knows where the baby is in her schedule", the only person who can properly turn the blanket into a papoose.

  • never want to attend a ward Christmas party again, as I spent the whole time on my feet (Ryan was the emcee) getting my kids food, rocking Faith and dragging Seth home to change after his "accident"

But it's Wednesday (and I am late for Cub Scouts as I finish this up) and I'm no longer swathed in despair.


I still didn't eat breakfast until 11:30 am today and I still have "do silhouettes" at the top of my to do list for the 6th day in a row (address/sign/fold Christmas letter are #2,3,4) and I still have the muffin top (ditched the girdle in favor of maternity pants) and I still marvel at how long it takes to simply sustain (feed, clothe, clean up after) my children.

But for today, I'll keep doing it...it's just not very easy.

And that's all I have to say.

Why I do what I do

...and I know the picture's too small.

I'm not waiting for Blogger to upload it again!

47 comments:

Sally said...

You are a mom hero! Truly you are.

Stamp4hobby said...

I won't write and tell you that it will be okay because I know that sounds condescending.

I won't write and tell you that someday you will look back on these times and miss them because you will want to reach through the computer and punch me.

I hope tomorrow is better. :)

I appreciate your honest words of how motherhood really is. I started watching your blog after the barf FHE. :)

Kara Jayne said...

Oh, so your normal!!! SO GOOD to know. I still feel bad for you because I TOTALLY know how you feel. Prayers comin' your way...honestly!

Lindsey said...

So, do you know yet??? hehehehehe.. Can't wait to join you in the frazzled over tired mommy stage.

AZ Karen said...

Those are 5 truly precious reasons to keep doing it.

And I for one, am kind of glad to hear you're human.

I hope tomorrow is a little more super-human.

nurse graham said...

K, I totally miss newborn stage so if there is an evening where you have a two hour block and just have to get out and do something or maybe you need someone to come over and rock Faith while you help the other four, I'm your girl. I know you probably won't call (why are we moms all like that--"No, I'm fine. I'm managing OK") but if you do, please know that I am well-versed in the "papoose wrapping" and would be over there in a jiffy if it means a fix of "newborn".

Is this offer too weird?

Anyway, thinking of you and sending many prayers your way.

Annemarie said...

Oh girl, I know. I. Know. It is so hard to juggle everything at first. It will calm down, it just has to be crazy for a while. You are amazing. Hang in there!

The Hansen Clan said...

Remember that you have a lot of people who love you and either feel the same way now or have felt that way at some time (plus or minus 4 kids) :) Also remember that a Red Robin run and a diet coke will make everything seem better :)

shauna said...

Wow. Thanks for keeping it real. You're racking up the blessings, hang on baby!

Scott and Jenna said...

You have a beautiful family - thank you for being real.

Linsey said...

I don't know how you are keeping your head above water period. Just keep breathing, even if it is only in gasps.

andrea said...

well, consider this: you are having a breakdown after five children. mine came after only three. you are better than me.

does that help at all?

Bekah said...

I'll be there to help in a couple of weeks! I can't wait! I love you lots and lots and think the world of you!

Ellie said...

Come over and we'll alternate naps.

mandy* said...

You the best mom I know...seriously! Be okay with cutting yourself some slack.

Also, why are you even worried about a muffin top? You looked great when I saw you. Besides after we have babies, aren't we allowed to just let it hang for a while? I didn't lose ANY baby weight and wore my maternity jeans for months!! I think as new mothers we are justified to do whatever we want.

Rochelleht said...

Hang in there. You inspire me in so many ways. Not the least of which is your honesty. I love it!!!

♥Shally said...

Have you tried the Belly Band? I loved that. (I still should wear it, my muffin top never went away... :( )

I had a breakdown lastnight and I don't even have a newborn!

Mommyhood is hard- especially when your husband is perfect. I have the same dilemma. I love that he does so much, but it makes me feel like CRAP sometimes. I left for 2 hours yesterday and the kids were fed, bathed, in bed-- the house was clean and the laundry folded. I can barely get that done in A FULL DAY.

Anyway- sorry for the longest comment ever! :)

Ilene said...

You need to come hang out with me and my muffin top. I will make chocolate cake. That should make us feel better.

Girdles be damned.

Sarah Blue said...

I've not met you in person, nor seen your parenting style. But from what you write on your blog...the things you do for your children and their comments to you...I'm positive that you don't fit the Drill Sergeant parenting style. You may have traces of it, but I read the defintion. That's not you and Ryan.

Regarding the girdle, You just had a baby! Cut yourself some slack. I wore maternity pants for several months after my last baby. Regular pants made my tummy and back hurt. Actually, I still don't like tight things on my middle. I know you are a health and fitness person. Give it some time and relax in the meantime. The in-shape body will come.

Good Luck!!!

Brigitta said...

Glad to know I am not the only one that feels that way after having a baby...here I am 7 months later and I am not really that much more together. Just enjoy the newness and the sweetness of Faith. Christmas will come and go and your baby will grow up before you know it.. Don't desapir, it's good to know you are normal..

wenderful said...

You are doing great! It'll get better soon. And you'll be glad you wrote it all down. You'll look back and either wish those days back or be glad you don't have to relive them. Hold on awhile longer.

wenderful said...

Oh, and I'm 4 years post partum and I have days when I'm tempted to slip my Sevens maternity pants back on. (Don't tell anyone.)

Shannan said...

Thank you for admitting that because I'm 9 month postpartum and I SHOULD have it together, but I simply DO NOT. Three kids have done me in so please know that you are so not alone and we are so there with you!

P.S. I wore girdles too - okay, I still wear girdles to smooth out the bumps when I want to wear certain pants. I thought it was a dated concept, but I guess it's not!

Laurie said...

Oh! A girdle! And here I was just wearing sweatpants for weeks (no one bought that I was just into fitness).

Adding the holidays to a newborn is pure torture. Just let go of some things.

But seriously, do we really need more ward activities in December?

Anisa said...

I can barely handle 3.

And I can't even squeeze on my jeans and my baby is 3 1/2 months old.

And I don't even like my 2 year old right now.

I'm the mom who yells at her kids at the mall (why did I take them to the mall?????)

I could go on..........

Brooke said...

I miss you guys and hope life will smooth out soon. Ya right! With 5 kids there's no such thing as smooth. Who am I kidding. Our life is pretty bumpy right now with not having a clue where we'll be living in 5 days. Carter asked, "why don't we have Christmas decorations" and I just wanted to cry. But instead I said well we don't know where we'll be then.

♥ rachel said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this post... I'm right there with ya, girl. Truly I am. (But it's going on 8 months postpartum for me now. NO excuses!)

J'net said...

Did "they" forget to send the NANNY w/ the fifth delivery? I thought Bekah was a trained nanny and she is graduated from college and she LOVES your kids, where's the mystery here? GET HER a PLANE ticket asap and go take a nap and when you get up, call your Relief Society Pres. and ask her to deliver Christmas and you will live "happily ever after!"
You have already gotten ahead of yourself in the "super" mom department so SLOW down and let some of your children WAIT ON YOU!! Aloha

Lauren in GA said...

I love you, Jessica! Oh, man...we are sisters, you and I...I have called Mike at work a gazillion (I know that really isn't a word but it seemed appropriate) times because I am so overwhelmed...and I struggle because Mike is so perfect that I feel like a loser. I am not sure if you read elsewhere or not, but I get Post Partum depression and I understand how serious it can be. I am so sorry (not patronizing, okay ☺). Depression in any shape or form is just lousy.
And the muffin top...I just keep telling people that I have had a little trouble losing the baby weight...Yes, I know the, "baby" is five...don't confuse me with the facts.

Erika said...

ya - you're right there are complete moments of "my life sucks" and you're right ... it does suck right now. You are totally in the trenches. If you lived in Canada Ryan could take 6 months of PAID parental leave and still have his job. I'll start looking for a house for you... one that comes with a nanny.

Abbie said...

I was locked in my closet crying/freaking out/praying for an hour on Monday night. Praying for Forrest to get fired and for Audrie to freakin' figure out how to sleep in her own bed (which is totally and completely my fault). I only have two kids, no newborn, and I'm losing it! My prayer was answered, not the firing or the sleeping, but I feel better. The laundry I did on Monday is still not put away and I left dinner leftovers out overnight and I haven't showered in two days, but I feel like I can kind of handle this Christmas (work schedule, sleeping situation in a two bedroom apartment) kind of kind of kind of.

Jessica, YOU are amazing! I look up to so much! You are superwoman! You can rock this Christmas, newborn handling, five kids having thing! Go, fight, win!

rubberbandgirl said...

So sorry. That overwhelmed panicky feeling, everything...so hard.
I'm glad things are looking a bit brighter.
Let the maternity pants have their day in the sun, it could be there last time.

Adrianne said...

You clearly need a sister-wife. I will happily sign up for the job if you can get my husband a job in Spokane. (oh, and make it stop snowing there, I don't like the snow so much.)

Christie said...

Just chant this daily:

IT WILL GET BETTER.

Maybe not for a year or two, but eventually. Hang in there. :-)

jessica said...

I hear you loud and clear my dear friend! Only I have three and you have FIVE! Seriously you are so allowed to have a break down. Next time call and I'll come over and join you!

Pineapple Princess/Shauna said...

I am sure today is a little better. Maybe not, but someday it will be.

As for the muffin top, that is always the best part. Forget about the girlde for a long time. You just had baby NUMBER 5!

Kimberly said...

Hang in there. Even if you don't feel like it, I still think you are supermom and I know it will all get better. Isn't it nice to know that every mom has felt this way?

Meg said...

The thing is I can still smell the rose from that sweet post you wrote about not being done having kids. It's overshadowing all the "today-is-just-about-survival" talk. So you're awesome in my book.

Hazen5 said...

Ohhhh, I remember those days! Don't worry, you are doing your best and that's all that matters!

Bethany said...

I like to think of these moments as an Adam and Eve moment- better for us to know the good from the evil. The lows can be so low, but the the times when you look at your children and really SEE THEM- it's beautiful and suddenly, you've rediscovered your purpose.

You need to read Gift From the Sea. I'll lend you my copy- it's like miracle gro for your rose.

heather said...

Oh boy...those post pregnancy homrmones wreak havoc don't they? Hang in there!!!! You are awesome.

Lorena said...

You're still awesome in my book...does that make it better?

gab said...

Thanks for posting this. It was such a refreshing break from the gag-me-perfect Christmas letters I just finished reading.

Your daughters (and even more importantly, your daughters-in-law...whose husbands will never remember THEIR mom crying, screaming or losing it) will thank you when they read this in 25 years or so.

Mahina said...

o jessica, you are a wonder woman! we all have our days. hang in there!

Erin said...

Oh Jessica. I don't know how you do all that you do on a good day--let alone this soon after a new baby. You are amazing. The Christmas letters can wait--in fact, most everything can. Maybe this should be the season to just sit and soak it all in? Love that little baby and let the reason for the season overwhelm you...if that doesn't work, immediately begin looking to the future and begin planning your Memorial Day weekend trip to CO. ;)

Natalie said...

Thank you for saying it. A. Men.

and p.s. I wore my maternity pants just 2 weeks ago (Crue is 18 months old) because it felt good. And I liked it.

If you don't mind, I am going to just link your post today because (minus the postpartom-ness) this is exactly the way that I feel. Down to the neighbor gifts and gleeful-about-it husband.

stephi k said...

I am sooo sorry. I feel your pain. Alex's 1st birthday is in 6 days and I still have the severe muffin top. The 5th baby really screws with your body, I decided. I did go on Weight Watchers when he was 8 weeks and that was awesome. Thinkin' it's time to go on it again...