Monday, April 15, 2013

Deep Thoughts

Because I’m blogging so much more sporadically than when I started, there are a lot of summaries and summaries sometimes tend to highlight the best rather than the everyday.  I’m glad that what stands out to me when I’m reviewing a month is the good stuff, but it doesn’t tell the actual story.  I thought I’d write a little today about some of the harder stuff that has been happening in the last few months.

Due to my initial injury in December, the worrisome prognosis, the looming surgery, the actual surgery and recovery AND my usual frustration with continued personal weaknesses, I’ve really struggled with depression for the past 3 months.  I’ve noticed that depression manifests differently for different people, but for me, it means I feel extremely and abruptly angry, hopeless, I don’t want to talk or be around others (WHA??), and waking up is hard.  I’ve had a few other periods of continued depression in my life (after I had Gabe and 2 years ago), but this time has been different because it has come and gone.  Usually, I recognize it and work on it (counseling, more serious scriptures and prayers, adjust my diet) and it moves out completely.  This time, I kept thinking I got it under control and it kept coming back.  Today, in fact, I had a really hard morning.  Sigh.

It has centered around feeling out of control and impotent because of this injury. I have been extra grouchy and have often coped by eating too much, being impatient and harsh with my kids, and numbing myself with too much technology usage (social media, Ticket to Ride app, TV) which are already areas I feel badly about on good days!

I kept thinking I’d write this post when I was through it and tell things I did that combated these feelings…but I keep not getting through it.  Yet.  But there are things that help.  And I’m receiving help all the time from a Heavenly Father that knows me, listens to me and works in my life.  So I’m writing this, regardless of a lack of a finish line, because… well, just because.

This is what makes me feel better:

1.  Talking to my Heavenly Father through prayer.  Really talking.  Communicating with urgency, humility and openness.  Praying out loud is often the best way for me to me really honest with myself and Him.  As I pray, I hear myself and it helps me know myself better.  I also have ideas come to my mind that I know are Answers to my pleadings.  I also feel comfort and peace, often, as I finish.  Things aren’t fixed, but I know He is present in my struggles.

2.  Reading the scriptures and the words of the prophets and apostles.  I get so caught up in the lies of the world that tell me my worth lies in my output, my weight, my checklist, my perfection.  When I read the word of God, I am reminded what is real and where my value lies.  I am calmed and reassured that mistakes are okay and the Christ’s grace will give me power to little by little change and be who I want to be.  Here are some links to talks that have been especially helpful over the past few months: Where is thy pavillion?  and Cast not away your confidence and His Grace is Sufficient and Healing Soul and Body

3.  Repenting.  I am hard on myself by nature and have been surprised that the Holy Ghost has whispered to me multiple time that I need to practice repentance.  Isn’t that the problem already?  That I think I’m totally messing up?  How is a call to repentance an answer?  I’ve started to learn and notice that Heavenly Father wants me to repent so that I can access Christ’s atonement: wipe the slate clean and use His power to fight those weaknesses more effectively.

4.  Talking to others.  I do this easily, but as I sink into depression, I close off.  When I am forced by a sweet husband to open up, or out of social guilt head to a friend get together and begin to talk, I start to feel better.  I think it’s because I, like with prayer, hear myself and it’s not as bad when I begin to put words to my fears and insecurities.  Also, I have a network of uplifting, real, supportive friends and loved ones and they are invaluable in reminding me of my worth.  (Thanks from the bottom of my heart, guys.)

5.  Getting to work.  I feel hopeless and paralyzed and like, what is the point of trying again?, when I’m in this kind of a funk.  I’ve noticed that when I just act, with huge, aching effort (truly), to start again…I almost immediately feel better.  Yesterday I was so harsh and angry with my kids before church from 9:00-10:00 and I started to say “Look at how crappy I am!  Before church even!  Why do I even try!” and then I stopped and said, “You know what?  I have one more hour before we leave and I can NOT be snappy or harsh for that last hour.  I don’t have to continue.”  And you know what?  I did it.  I switched gears and just responded kindly (through gritted teeth) to everything that came my way and when I left for church, I felt victorious.  Sometimes we just NEED TO START AGAIN, even when we have no belief that it will actually work.  Action always trumps inaction.

So there you go.  There’s my list.  Don’t feel sorry for me…look at all the stuff I’m learning!  This is life and this is why are here.  I know we are here grow and change in better beings and that rarely happens through ease and bliss.  I know God knows and loves me and is helping me every step of the way.

19 comments:

Rochelleht said...

Love this. Love you. Thanks.

Elizabeth said...

Im sorry you are having dark times. You deserve light and strength because you are such a giving and good person. Do you think medication would help? I was super scared but I think I may not have won my battles without it.
Take Care
Ex

Ashley C said...

You pretty much just described me to a tee. Except it's been A YEAR, not 3 months.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. I think I know exactly how you're feeling. I wish I had some answers. It sounds like you're on the right path though. This was a good reminder to me that I need to get to work and pull myself out of it.

Annie said...

Ah, Jessica, thanks for writing this. So true and real. Sending love and I've-been-there-too-and-will-be-again-I'm-sure vibes! xo
p.s. I love that your remedies for feeling so out of control are...wisely turning complete control over elsewhere. It's a lesson I keep learning, over and over. And over.

Brooke Romney said...

Oh man, it's so easy to take your body for granted when it is working well. Thanks for reminding me to be grateful. It's inspirational to see how you cope, really amazing. I'm always amazed by how the little things make a difference. Good luck with everything. Lots of love your way.

Christie said...

Oh my friend. I was there. When I was laid up for a year and a half with my abscess and subsequent surgeries - I was so depressed. I told no one of my situation and found myself at the darkest point of my life. I cried every day, was physically so miserable, and found little of joy in my life. Getting up and showering was a chore and a victory when it happened. Forget taking care of others - I could barely take care of myself.

My only advice is to hang in there. Keep going. See the small victories and don't beat yourself up when you aren't your best self. You are doing the best that you can. And sometimes that's okay, even if it's not the best you can be. You will get there. Hold strong, and feel the love of all of us!

Unknown said...

great post. great lessons for me to learn too.

Nurse Graham said...

Honest words are often so hard to write. Thank you for sharing. I applaud your courage for sharing, for getting up each day, for turning to the Lord, for recognizing His presence and answers even when they aren't what you want to hear.

Cami said...

Thank you for writing this, Jessica.
What you've put here is not just the idea or a small effort of doing what we've been told will bless us, but taking it further, striving harder to really get to the core of repentance/meaningful prayer/remembering what's real.

Lauren in GA said...

You are such a great example to me, Jessica. I honestly can't tell you that enough. I truly savored every word of this because it was such incredible advice.

I learn so much from you. Thank you for being real, honest and so open.

Camden said...

This is why I keep reading your blog all these years later. I know we've never met but I read you because you're real. I appreciate you including your struggles. You've motivated me to do that for myself in my own family's blog. And like you, I know that we learn and grow SO MUCH more through our trials. "This too shall pass'"

Camden said...

This is why I keep reading your blog all these years later. I know we've never met but I read you because you're real. I appreciate you including your struggles. You've motivated me to do that for myself in my own family's blog. And like you, I know that we learn and grow SO MUCH more through our trials. "This too shall pass'"

the wrath of khandrea said...

took a few notes as i read this. thanks.

Matthews Family said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I can so relate to you and it helps to know how you're getting through it. I love you so much Jessica. You are such a great example to me and so many others.

Ali said...

Thanks SO much for sharing! I too, have had these feelings randomly throughout my life, but they came & went. Unfortunately, for the past 18 months I can't shake it. I have a GREAT life & I'm so blessed, so feeling this way is ridiculous! Again, thanks or sharing!

jessica said...

You know I am right there with you...I wish we had such easy access to each other like we did in the old days, especially when we are both going through our dark days...xoxo

Amy F. said...

You are brave to write this! It is good to know that others have these same feelings. My husband knows already, but I have also struggled with depression. For years, for me I have swings of good days/bad days a few months of good, a few bad years with a few good days in there. I think it has to do with all the responsibilities with young kids, callings, hormones, genetics, whatever, but I have learned the same things that you have! I am completely dependent on prayer and scriptures. To add to your list I would say good music really helps me, exercise, fresh air and SLEEP. :) I am so glad to know you. You keep on keeping on despite all your struggles. I wish you many more good and happy days!!

La Vie est Belle said...

It sucks. There's no other way to say it! But here are some encouraging words . . . I hope they help. I've been there.

http://davidandstasha.blogspot.fr/2012/03/encouraging-words.html

Tammy said...

I love you, you are a great friend and I love that you always look inward and work on things. Christian is the same way, which is why I am drawn to him as a partner. He is tough on himself, like you are but always looking at ways to improve and be better. The thing is, you are already amazing. Every human has these cycles or feeling crappy but rarely faces them the way that you do. Thanks for always inspiring