**From the outset, I need to remind readers that a core belief of mine is that God is real, He loves us, knows us and will speak to us and give us guidance in our lives if we ask Him and strive to be worthy to hear and follow His counsel. This how I've tried to live my life and it has always brought me innumerable blessings. It is from an understanding of this belief system that one should read this post.**
I've felt pretty done with the whole baby producing process since Faith was around 3. I was sad she was growing older, but I felt very full with the 5 kids I had and definitely had no desire to go through pregnancy, newborn, nursing, etc. again. I prayed and fasted about it and felt that the direction I received was "you can if you want" when I asked the question about having more kids. Well, I didn't really want, so I closed that door in my mind.
In November as I was preparing a visiting teaching message, I felt very prompted to share the message "Where is Thy Pavillion?" by Henry B Eyring. I wondered which of the 3 sisters I visit needed this message on removing blocks that we place between ourselves and Heavenly Father's will and guidance in our lives, because it was very strong that this was the lesson I was to prepare and give 3 times.
The next Sunday I was fasting about something unrelated to parenting or family or ANYTHING, but I felt like I needed a priesthood blessing from Ryan. He gave me a reassuring blessing that slightly related to my concern, but at the end, he paused. And paused. And paused. I began to get worried. "What is so big that he can't just spit it out??" It was this: "Heavenly Father blesses you to know that your family is not complete."
The words were electric. I have great faith in Ryan's worthiness and ability to convey God's blessings and will through the priesthood and in the moment, I knew the words were true, that we were having another baby and that my life was taking a very different timeline than the one I'd been planning out.
He had to leave for a meeting pretty immediately afterward and I began to pray personally to my Father in Heaven. Without going into great detail, that prayer was one of the most intimate and real conversations I've ever had with God. I felt as if I would ask a question (along the lines of "seriously?" and "Why?" and "do you know how overwhelmed I am with this family already?") and He would answer. And do you know where the majority of answers were coming from? From the lesson/talk I'd given while visiting teaching. Each question would bring to mind a phrase or a story or a scripture from that talk and I knew why I had been so urged to prep that lesson.
Ryan later told me that he had been feeling a strong urge to have another baby during the week previous, but was nervous to bring it up. He swears that he had forgotten it that Sunday when I asked for the blessing (and I believe him) and so when the words came to his mind he was surprised. He said the pause was his attempt to clear his mind, and be sure because he knew how huge it would be. It kept coming back and back.
There have been other sweet confirmations throughout the following months...in the temple, through prayer, from friends, from blessings. I know we are supposed to have this 6th child. I know that our family's life will be infinitely better because of it. I am grateful that Heavenly Father is willing to help me know these things.
That said: it has not been easy. I have had a hard time getting excited about this change. I was frustrated by the whole busted knee issue because it delayed things by 4 months and has made the pregnancy harder. I've had many tearful episodes where I try to figure out how I can possibly handle a newborn, a preschooler, 2 elementary school students, a middle schooler and a high schooler. I've struggled with depression, really bad nausea, body image issues, sleeplessness, stress.
I am finally getting anxious for this boy to come--the blessing of your third trimester is that anything sounds better than being pregnant! And I want to know him and why it was so important he join this family. I want to watch my teenagers love him. I want to watch Faith be a big sister. I want to feel that heavenly spirit that a newborn brings. I am happy to have many more years of trick or treating and Santa and a sweet little voice following me around during my days.
I am blessed.
Ensemble: Spring & Summer Black-Out
7 hours ago